for those of you who know me, i've always been a calm and friendly person. though my temper may be bad, i've always tried to control myself and think through before acting rashly.
but, last night was one time when i actually feel that i have all the urge in the world to lift my fist. its the first time in my life i felt like a hooligan, like how it didn't matter if i actually hurt someone or i'll be the one on the losing end, too bad, fcuk it. it's private, so i'm not gonna say out explicitly here. the crudest of words kept repeating in my head like a broken record.
i swear no one has ever seen me acted the way i did.
it was like there was a devil in me.
i feel bad, but, i needed to make it known. and i figured the soft method didn't work anymore. no, of course i didn't end up hitting anyone, i was still in control of myself. the most, was lots of verbal exchanges. it felt like if my feelings wasn't being cared for, so why should i spare that extra thought. i figured out being nice there and then wasn't worth it anymore.
6hours of crying at ungodly hours, forced myself to sleep for the next 4, woke up to cry another morning before going to school, cried the last 2 when i got back. enough is enough. someone needs a wake up call and its only up to the person to decide the life he wants.
i came to my senses. i spoke my mind, i conveyed my message.
i decided that in life, everyone has their own sets of problem and its no fcuking use to drown in self pity. since the problem can't be undone, just gotta solve it. realizing that it isn't worth it to spend so much energy over nonsense people, cause there's so much more out there for me to care about.
i still have to face the world and live the life ahead, i have to be around.
for the ones who love me and for the ones i love. no one said life was gonna be easy. but i believe that i'll live a stronger person, i'll go all out to create my career, to seek my path, to prove that nothing is gonna crumble me.
and i swear over my dead body, i will give my kids the best family they will ever have.
1 comment:
Jac, read your post, i totally understand how you feel, how eager you feel like knocking somebody down, and not apologizing for it though you are at fault. cause i am feeling the same way as you were right now. at least your angers are within your control but for me, i always let it out which doesnt seem to be a good thing? and at times, you just want that specific person to know to understand what's in your mind and also you refuse to speak them all out.
hope you are feeling better now
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